I had this whole amusing thing planned for today, with a Venn diagram of my brokenness. ‘Cause, see, I went on a date this weekend (yay!), and it went well (yay!), which was great because if it hadn’t I would have had to banish this dude from my favorite coffee place, and that’s never fun. But instead I ate a cookie and talked, and those are pretty much my two favorite activities ever so All Was Well.

But the thing I was going to make the Venn diagram about was something I realized halfway through, which is that I am Bad At Date Conversation. I mean, normally this takes the path of me not shutting up while talking about the excitement of freelance writing (it is not exciting), but on this particular day that didn’t happen, because I had the good sense to not talk about work. Which was good! It’s like I’m an AI that learns from its previous social failures, except actually I think that just makes me a person.

So we talked for several hours, which was pretty great. Except that about halfway through I realized that I still have not quite mastered talking, because here are in no particular order the things that this person and I discussed:

• The failures of Atlanta’s mass transit system, complete with art projects to commemorate them.
• Thermite.
• The fact that I know how to make knives out of rocks. (Not well, but still.)
• The secret fort city that my friends built in the woods.
• The secret fort city that his friends built in an abandoned subdivision.
• The oppression of the poor.
• Illegal drug habits and opinions.
• Abortion.
• Yogurt flavor preferences.
• Assisted suicide.

So see, this was going to be in Venn diagram form in order to graphically represent my brokenness. The reason that it is not is that, while at school, I decided to get my diagramming done. My school invests a lot in very large iMacs in order to look impressive/allow us to watch movies where the people are bigger than us. I looked at what they had installed and decided that hey, Photoshop Elements probably will allow me to create a Venn diagram, given that it is a high-powered graphics machine and I can’t remember the name of that OSX MS Paint clone that I like.

I opened the program. Drew a circle. Drew another circle. They were of roughly the same size. All was going well. Then–and this is where all hell broke loose–I attempted to merge the layers. First the computer simply would not let me. Then, it did so and after merging them displayed only a featureless white expanse. Then, after I had begun to whimper sadly, the computer decided that it had had enough of my whiny graphics design bullshit and crashed.

The Venn diagram crashed the computer.

So that is why there is no Venn diagram here. Instead, you get a bulleted list, because I love you enough to type slightly over 500 incoherent words about my brokenness. This is roughly how much I love nectarines, so take that as you will. I’ll be in the corner, talking about assisted suicide yogurt buses.*

* I sincerely hope that “assisted suicide yogurt buses” is my top search term this week.