I’m watching the American Idol finale with my parents. I haven’t seen the last six seasons of this show, so I am less-than-invested in it. However, some observations about the show:

• You know the swaying hands at the front row? Pretend that they’re robotic arms in a vat of liquid being controlled by hydraulics. You can’t un-see that, now, can you? You’re welcome.
• Go find a picture of Randy Jackson’s lapels. Seriously, what the goddamn hell? They are the size of my foot.
• J. Lo looks like she’s wearing a mermaid outfit.
• That girl is a strong argument for why 16-year-olds should be kept the hell away from glitter. Girl looks like she robbed a Claire’s. She has a bird ring that is the size of a deck of cards.
• That boy has mastered vacantly looking into the distance. He is so ready for senior pictures.
• What the Christ was with the latex robot halftime show?
• This is probably the only place on TV where you have a man in a 1980’s NFL coach’s suit, a woman in a mermaid costume, a midwestern hobo, and an impeccably-groomed man in a tuxedo on screen at the same time. USA! USA!

Continue reading →